The ‘Karan’

Hi Internet!

This post is dedicated to one of the most important people in my life but of course, everyone is welcome to read, especially if you know us in person and are curious as to how two humans can be so synchronised and inseparable. She’s been in my life for about four years now and honestly, I might cease to exist as a human if it wasn’t for her. Once in a blue moon you’ll stumble upon someone who makes you a better person than you ever thought you could be and I can’t stress enough how important is to hold on tight to them.

Before all of you get a little confused and think I’m dating this girl because often that is what people think, although I may as well, I’m not. Her name is Karin, or as I call her, Karan, and she is my best friend, even though that’s one of the biggest understatements. Often I refer to her as my “otc” because she’s just ‘off the charts’. I came up with the name because although I have many best friends who I love, Karin goes beyond that; she’s off the charts on the best friend scale.

Enough of the sappy talk, it’s story-time with Chan again! So Karin and I met in class in 2012, Year 10, and we would sit together in Maths because of a mutual friend and soon we became friends. Like most teenagers, we were once extremely cringey (and who are we kidding, we still are) and if you’re skeptical about the extremity of it, just look at our first Facebook message.

first message

In the Maths lessons we had in the computer labs she would show me the One Direction video diaries and we watched ‘One Thing sped up’ on repeat and soon became fangirling buddies with everything. About mid-year we went on school camp and that was when we became close and inside jokes started popping up, like sharing a ‘cigar’ (it was a stick we found on a hike) and then we were then engaged! She soon was part of our group in class and a few weeks later started sitting with us at lunch and we became even better friends.

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– Year 10 camp –
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– One of our favourite singers, Jesse –
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– My 15th Birthday –

2013, Year 11, was just as fun with her and we spent a great portion of that year really getting to know each other. We would stay up late at night emailing and telling each other about our lives and our bond grew stronger and stronger. Lunchtimes were also extremely weird and many of our inside jokes and memories stem from them.

We had our first huge fight in August 2013 over something which at the time seemed quite significant and after not speaking for nearly a week – I’m talking full silent treatment – we resolved it and believe it or not, we became closer friends. I knew I could trust her with everything and with jealousy being a major issue for me, I opened up to her about it and we would always talk it through. We talked about it all because having that trust and openness in our friendship was – and is – vital.  Karin and I always tell each other if there is something bothering us about one another and the honesty is just unreal.

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– Valentine’s Day –
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– Friend’s birthday party –
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– Us being noobs –
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– Karin’s 16th –
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– Take 2 with Jesse –
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– Semi Formal –
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– Interhouse Athletics –
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– One Direction TMHT –

2014, Year 12, was even better and we made so many memories like our Chemistry pracs with her serenading me,  getting ready for formal together, school Sports Days and so many other days where we just enjoyed each other’s presence being whacky.

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– Interhouse Swimming –
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– Watching the girl/guy touch game –
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– Chemistry lessons –
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– Formal –
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– Hanging together –
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– Interhouse Athletics –
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– Interhouse Athletics –
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– Karin’s first Durga Puja with me –
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– Back to Year 7 party –
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– Last day of school picnic –

Many people have this belief that best friends have to be the same in every way but Karin and I couldn’t be more different. She loves action movies, I watch rom coms. She loves English and I love Maths and Sciences. She’s extremely extroverted, I’m more introverted. Despite all these differences, we have one thing in common; we have the same heart and soul and that’s all we need.

Here are some photos from our fourth year, and first year of Uni, together:

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– The Vamps concert –
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– One Direction OTRA –
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– Uni hangs –
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– Karin’s 18th –
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– Fireworks –
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– Harry Potter marathon with friends –
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– My 18th –
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– Drinks with friends (technically 2016) –

– Chan

 

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The Letter

Hi Internet! So in Undiagnosed but still real I said I would write a post dedicated to telling you how I told Ma about it all (or some of it, at least). I wanted to write this especially for anyone who is in a similar situation to the one I was in and wants to reach out to someone they care about but aren’t sure about how to do so.

So basically I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle telling her face to face what I was going through. In my family and I’m sure many others, mental health is just something you would never bring up. It’s almost a myth and I knew that finally coming forth would be a very different, to say the least, experience for my mum. I wrote her a letter. I said that I had been feeling extremely down for the past two years and to my best ability I tried to explain why. This was all one and a half years ago.


Before

I spent the night before writing it all down on a couple A5 pieces of paper and read it through so many times that I got bored of it but I just had to make sure I had every detail that I wanted to tell her. I started from the beginning and tried to just really explain the emotions because I knew that would be the biggest challenge for me to say and for her to understand. The severity of any of it, really, I did not go into and I just tried to explain it in more broad terms but still get my message across.

During

I went downstairs and my heart was pounding so, so much. I know I shouldn’t have been but I was embarrassed. I was ashamed that I was like that and this was even a thing I had to tell my mum but I knew I was ready to. I gave her the letter and asked her to read it when I was back upstairs because I didn’t want to see her reading it and that’s what she did.

Later that day, she called me into the room where she was just lying down reading the letter for the god-knows-how-many time and asked me to come lie down with her and talk to her about it. Not many of you will know this about me but I don’t handle serious issues well and more often than not I’ll smile; even if it’s the most morbid thing. So what did I do? I got embarrassed, got all giggly, couldn’t look her in the eyes the whole time we talked about it. All the while I had my face covered and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at her.

In retrospective, that probably didn’t help her understand the seriousness of my situation but there wasn’t anything else I could do! I mean, I smiled when I told my dad that our goldfish died from the water overheating. I’m not heartless, I promise but serious is something I don’t usually do. Anyway, she talked through the things she felt she understood and that was the end of that. We’ve never talked about it since then.

After

I had hoped after that Ma would take me to a psychologist because that’s what I needed; an unbiased, unopinionated person who just wanted to help me but, that didn’t happen. I know, in a way, it is probably my fault because if I had only told her how serious it was she probably would have but I didn’t. Just from reading the letter anyone probably would’ve assumed it was tiny, petty things that I was just labelling as depression. It wasn’t tiny, petty things though but even now, I could never properly explain to someone why I feel like I do; it’s just a combination of a billion things.

Chin up, guys! This story doesn’t have a (very) sad ending because in the end it did help me. I knew she didn’t just dismiss my bad days as easily and was gentler towards me when I was feeling shitty and that still helped.


All in all, I am relieved I did this so if anyone was thinking of doing something similar but wasn’t 100% sure how it would turn out, of course everyone and their situation is different, but if they love you, they will accept you flaws and all.

– Chan