18 and Unkissed

Hi Internet! Some of my closer friends may have read the title of this post and been very confused as to why I was writing about this because of recent events. However, I actually had this blog post planned for about three months, since I first started this blog, and I was brainstorming about things I wanted to write about. Little did I know three months ago that something I thought that wouldn’t happen for a very long time was just around the corner.

Naturally, most teenagers have their first kisses anywhere between 11 and 16 and of course there will be people outside this range but from my experience, that’s what I’ve found. And especially after graduating high school and still not having had my first kiss, I always felt on the outside of this circle of people who knew what it felt like, who in a way had experienced “teenagerhood”. It made me feel unwanted when I was feeling down because in my mind, not being kissed, translated to no one wanting to kiss me which is a bit of a stupid connection to make, I know.  There will be some of you reading this, who may know me personally, and be thinking “Oh no…she’s at it again” but I know that there are just as many people who know exactly the feeling that I’m describing. No matter how high your self-esteem is and how happy you could be, sometimes it just gets you down. And that’s okay. We are only human, after all.

It was when I was reading a tumblr post which I’ll insert at the bottom of this post that I really gained the inspiration to write this. The past few months have been tough for me, due to personal reasons, and I’ve found myself craving alone time a lot and just time to sit by myself and think. After all that thinking I realised that although most people find someone to marry and to love, not everyone does. And I’m okay with that. I’m okay with having relationships throughout my life and ultimately never getting married or starting a family, having relationships and following the traditional path of marriage and kids, or even never having a serious relationship and just being surrounded by loved ones in the form of friends and family. I don’t believe in any form of God but I do believe in something; something that carries us down the path we’re meant to follow. There’s nothing wrong in pursuing people, as people  know I have no problem doing , but I’m really trying to build that resilience in my life and basic understanding that if something doesn’t work out that obviously, it wasn’t meant to be. Just like a few months ago, I didn’t know that I would soon be kissing someone, I don’t know what my future holds. Who really knows?

This tumblr post is just one of many that I come across and really just warm my heart and then also when thinking that relationships do happen. Like, they are a thing that people experience and that concept is so weird to me because I’ve never liked a guy and have them like me back.  If it’s going to happen, I know it will happen but it’s such a lucky thing to happen, I think. There are people I know who have been lucky enough to come across that in their life and to somehow find someone they have feelings for and have that person like them back. But that’s how life works really. You never know what it’s going to throw at you or how things are going to end up. So something I have tried living by for a couple of years now is “Everything happens for a reason.” People who are meant to be in your life, will stay and if they weren’t meant to be then it just won’t work out. I’m sorry for the rambly post today but I just wanted to write a bit without too much structure and editing. I hope it was a pleasant read, nonetheless.

– Chan


A post about romantic relationships

So I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years now. And I see a lot of posts about how people think relationships mean having butterflies forever, your heart beating faster when they walk into a room, about cuddling together every night, legs intertwined, that you’d be so happy to live together you’d sleep on a double bed with each other every night.

And it’s not really like that, at least not to me.

You stop getting the butterflies when you live together. Your heart no longer speeds up when you see them, but instead, everything calms down. When you’re in the room with them, you feel calm, and secure. When you cuddle them you feel your heart beat slow, and the sound of their breathing carry you towards comfort. It doesn’t feel like a roller coaster anymore, it feels like home.

You don’t sleep curled up with each other every night, legs twisted between theirs so tight its hard to tell where yours begin and theirs end.

Instead, you sleep comfortably, side by side, sometimes facing different directions. But every night, you find yourself scooting backwards on the bed so you bump into them. You snuggle against their arm, or stroke their hair as they fall asleep. There are nights when my boyfriend, in his sleep, reaches around me and pulls me to him, like a child with his teddy bear, like I am his comfort.

In the wee hours of the morning before the dawn breaks, when the world is blue and you see through cracked eyes, you curl into their chest and inhale their scent before drifting back to sleep.

Kisses aren’t always romantic and firey anymore. But there are so much more of them now. There are cold kisses when you’re eating ice cream in the summer, and sticky kisses over breakfast pancakes. There’s “I’m leaving now” kisses, and “one more kiss before you go” kisses. There’s sleepy morning kisses before work, when you don’t remember the alarm going off but instead the press of their lips against yours is what brings you into the day.

There’s kisses before sleep, and, you are so sweet with the things you do kisses. There’s kisses because you treat animals so tenderly, and I’m so glad i’m with you and not someone else kisses. There’s quick kisses in the aisles of the grocery store, when its loud and you gravitate together, when instead of having your own personal space and their own personal space, it’s both of yours together, and you step into their chest to take up less area together.

You don’t always text each other with confessions of love and care like you used to, because that’s a given now, and you’ve moved on to quirky inside jokes about the life you’ve built together. You share looks of exasperation and amusement in public, your own little world against the outside one.

Relationships aren’t always a fairy tale. They’re not always fireworks and sparks, at least, after the start.

But they are a quiet rhythm and hum of love and care. It’s not a fire in your soul, but one in your hearth, keeping you warm and comfortable, comforting you as you drowsily drift into sleep.

And I love that.”

http://helloelloh.tumblr.com/

Lux, Luna, Sol

Hi Internet! So to be completely honest with you guys, this week I really haven’t had the time to write a decent post because they do take at least five hours and when you have assignments and exams non-stop, five hours is a lot to spare. On top of that I got extremely sick on Wednesday night so trying to juggle exams, assignments and my battle to try and keep food down was already quite a lot so I’m really sorry for this post being a couple days late and short. However, after already taking about a month off earlier this year, I didn’t want to leave you guys hanging and plus, I’ve wanted to post these somewhere for a really long time.

From a young age I’ve always had an eye for natural beauty and wanting to capture memories so put two and two together I landed at loving photography. Although I may not have an actual camera to take photos on and I just use my iPhone, I’m always taking photos when I see something I know I want to remember.

A particular series, I guess you could call it, are these photos I’ve been taking from my bedroom of the sunrises and sunsets since July 2014. I just find it so fascinating that the same time on different days or even photos only minutes apart can be so different. Obviously the sun would rise and set at different times throughout the year but even days apart, one day the sky could be a vibrant orange and the other, a soft pink. Sunrises bring with them the light of a new day and the ability to form new memories and you never know, one particular sunrise could be the beginning of one of your most remembered days. Sunsets on the other hand, I just find so peaceful. Whether you’ve had a good or bad day, sunsets bring with them a sense of tranquillity and I may just sound a bit crazy but I always just think that as sunsets bring the night to us, they tuck away all the memories of the day. A good day’s memories are glued into your life’s scrapbook and a bad day is washed away with all the others, leaving room for the next day and whatever memories it may bring.

With that being said, I just wanted to post these few photos that I’ve been taking throughout the past couple of years.

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– 5:10pm 22 July 2014 –
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– 6:11am 25 July 2014 –
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– 6:45am 5 August 2014 –
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– 7:03am 18 August 2015 –
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– 6:33am 4 May 2015 –
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– 4:31am 12 November 2015 –
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– 5:23am 8 March 2016 –
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– 5:51am 18 April 2016 –

In addition to those ones, I also have these photos I’ve just taken from placed around my house or garden.

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– 5:38am 9 March 2014 –
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– 6:59am 24 July 2014 –
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– 5:28am 8 September 2014 –
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– 6:19am 17 October 2014 –
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– 5:16pm 22 March 2015 –
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– 6:13pm 6 November 2015 –
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– 6:17pm 6 November 2015 –
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– 6:31pm 6 November 2015 –
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– 6:05pm 14 November 2015 –
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– 6:51pm 27 December 2015 –

I hope you guys liked them!

– Chan

 

Love Me Like That

Hi Internet! Okay, so I’ve been thinking about this for a while and surely by this point you’re all starting to get bored of reading about my past just as much as I am starting to, writing about it. I thought for this post I’d mix it up so I could also document the incredible memory. For any of you who know me well, you’ll know I love me some good bands and just about 90% of the music I listen to is by bands ranging from post-hardcore to alternative rock.

Anyway, it happened on the 6th of April when I saw one of my favourite Australian bands, Masketta Fall. I first heard of them in 2012 from a friend and she told me about this band that she heard busking outside the All Time Low concert. I immediately looked them up and loved their music but with Masketta Fall being a relatively small band they didn’t have a tonne of music out at the time and weren’t releasing new music so they fell off my radar after a while. It wasn’t until January 2015 that I went to The Vamps, and Masketta Fall was an opening act. Here was this band from three years ago that I had completely forgotten about and they were back! The weeks that were to follow were completely filled with my obsessive fangirling and excitement.

One year later, they announced a tour with VIP packages! I couldn’t believe it! To think that I finally would be able to see and meet these guys that I loved so much was just unreal. Fast forward to the 6th of April, Karin and I had to squeeze in as much study as possible before we had to leave for the concert. We thought the M&G started at 4pm but then through all these misunderstandings, missing busses and confusion…we missed it. We got to the venue at 4pm and the second we got there I had this horrible feeling in the bottom of my stomach that we had missed it. About 15 minutes later, we were all let in and I started noticing that people inside already had their VIP lanyards so Karin asked the guy at the desk about the M&G and he said it had ended at 3:45pm.

After waiting so long to meet these guys and buying a VIP ticket, I couldn’t believe that we might miss out on it. So, after panicking for a while, we went back up to the desk and I asked the lady and she said that she couldn’t do anything about it but to talk to the band Manager. Jonty, the Manager, said that at the end of the show we could meet them properly.

At the end of the concert they went through and met everyone and I told them then that we missed the M&G so they said to wait and we could hang with them after everyone had left. While Karin and I were waiting for everyone to be done, we met Marcelo, who was the supporting act, and got a picture with him. He was honestly such a lovely guy and incredible live! So much talent in one guy.

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Afterwards, we went and sat on the couch for about 20 minutes and watched more and more people leave until some official-looking lady came to us and said we could go in. We walked into the hall and Jamie, Braden and Moli were talking to these other girls so Karin just stood there for a bit. Eventually, the girls left and Jamie came over to us and called the other boys over and we chatted for a while. I tried to keep my cool as much as possible but my hands were shaking so much and I was struggling to just have a coherent conversation with these guys. Probably the only proper conversation I had was with Braden about his perfume because I told him he smelled nice and Moli was so surprised at how much I knew about perfumes and their different notes. On the inside, he was probably thinking, “Who is this perfume nerd we let in?” Anyway, we all took some selfies during which, Moli was absent but then out of nowhere he just popped up in front of me and was putting the VIP lanyard around my neck (trust me, I may have seemed cool on the outside but inside I was dying) and then Karin, and I know it sounds so stupid but that was probably one of my favourite memories from that night. We didn’t have to ask for the lanyard but Moli went and got them for us himself and put them around our necks too!

After that, the other guys went off to pack up the stuff so Ben was talking to us and we told him about Karin’s pinkie promise with Moli for them to come back every Wednesday to Brisbane (because I said to Braden that they should just do another tour and we started joking around that they would just drive between Brisbane and Sydney) and he jokingly asked if he could crash at our places and come over for dinner (ummm…of course!) and there was just some friendly banter going around.

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– Moli –
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– Jamie –
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– Ben –
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– Braden –

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All in all, it was an amazing night and I really enjoyed the vibe and their performance. When only performing to 50-100 people on this tour they easily could have not put in as much effort and energy into their sets but you could see how hard they worked for this and that’s probably one of the main things I love about smaller bands in general. It never ceases to amaze me how dedicated they are. Even when sometimes it may seem like the easiest choice to just give up, they keep persevering to live out their dream.

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I really want to make 2016, “The Year of Concerts” so for the end of the year, be expecting a master post of all the bands and artists I’ve seen this year so I won’t be posting my best pictures until the end of the year.

– Chan

Love, Drama and Tuna Juice

Hi Internet! So after reading the title you might be having a bit of “Chandra…what are you on?” moment but trust me, by the end of the post it’ll all make sense. As tradition on my blog, this is going to be another life story but after all my blog is just me trying to sort through the bits and pieces of my life.

This story starts in 2011 actually when Anna became friends with this group of girls because they were in the same class and I used to hear about them all the time. In fact, Anna had actually been organising to buy me a GHD hair straightener for my birthday. I remember on the card she had put everyone who had contributed to buying it and there were these girls on their who I wasn’t friends with but little did I know, in less than one year these girls would be my closest friends. If you guys have been reading my blog for a while you would’ve read Undiagnosed but still real and so you would know most of the story but for anyone who might be new here, I’ll just do a quick summary of what happened. I became attached to Chrissy and slowly worked my way into the group becoming friends with the girls and bringing in a few other girls until there was about 10 of us. The Mob was fully assembled.

As the year went on we all grew closer and closer and I loved them with my whole heart. One of my favourite memories from high school has to be with a few of them when we went on school camp. I remember on the last day of our camp out and we had to walk 16km back to the main campsite with our huge packs and we hardly had any food left. That morning I made one cup of milo and a cup of soup for everyone and then we had about a handful of cereal left and that fed the six of us. Keep in mind all this food we had, we had to share amongst the six of us but throughout the day we had a packet of M&Ms that no one wanted to eat because we needed carbs, one mandarin, a couple of corn thins and a few fruit bars. I’ve never been so deprived of food in my life and then when we finally got back to the main camp site everyone was eating lunch but we had no food so another group gave us a packet of spinach wrap bread, one cucumber, half an avocado and the weird end bit of a stick of salami. Someone also gave us the remains of a packet of tuna and after using the actual tuna on the bread I remember I drunk the juice because I was so hungry. I’m not even ashamed because we were pretty much fighting for our lives there! There were so many more memories but let’s just say One More Night by Maroon 5 has permanently been changed for me.

Although we were all so, so different the one thing we all had in common was that we were the fangirls. Each and every single one of us was in at least one, if not, many fandoms and that understanding of one another was something that bonded us together. We were all a little crazy and just loved to have fun. Sure, the other girls might have judged us and thought we were weird but we couldn’t have cared less. We never hesitated to sit on the ground, scream for our lives when there was a lizard or one of our chair’s legs fell through the drain or take hundreds of pictures and selfies. I really imagined this to be the group I would grow old with and they would all be my bridesmaids at my wedding and we would grow old together.

I guess things change and that’s not going to happen. “Why?” you may ask. Well, starting in Year 11 and then just continuing through to the end of Year 12, we would always be having small arguments and although things would always go back to normal after a while, it was far too easy for there to be drama amongst the group. We would always overcome said drama and it would no longer be a problem. The boat first started to majorly rock at a concert that they had extremely kindly gotten me a ticket to, which I never had the chance to thank them for because of the fight that followed it but it meant so, so much to me. One distinct thing I remember from that night was during the concert they were singing “Mr Brightside” and all I wanted was Chrissy to be by my side to sing it with. There’s just something about that song that makes it one of the best songs to perform at a concert.

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Anyway, there was a major argument and now, looking at it, there was just such a chaotic mix of things going on that I could never attribute the blame to any one party but suddenly there was me and Karin on one side and the others on the other side. A few days after we all seemed to have made up but I could still feel a bit of remaining tension in our group. This tension completely evaporated about a week later there was a small picnic amongst our extended group of friends and everything felt perfect again. Weeks later, Uni started and that was when we slowly started to drift apart. I sat with them sometimes in lectures but at the same time, wanted to make new friends so I was also sitting with them in lectures and through timetable clashes and arrangements to sit with new friends we hardly ever got to sit together and hang out like old times. It was obvious what was happening to our group but it was inevitable because it just seemed neither party wanted to fight anymore and we just let nature take its course. They soon made a new group chat which Karin and I knew about pretty soon but there wasn’t anything we could really do about it so we just gravitated towards our new friends. By the end of the year, it was done and this once, loud and fun group became two.

Although we all remain friendly towards each other, we know it won’t go back to what it was before and even though in our hearts and minds the memories won’t ever disappear, no one would ever know we were all once best friends. Karin and I often talk about what could have been and having these beautiful girls no longer with us, how much we miss them and just the completely different dynamic we used to have but life happens and you just have to move on I guess. Our new group is so great and I love them just as much but a part of me still pains for The Mob. I grew up with these girls and we all just had so much history and although I’m still struggling to fully move on, I know its for the best because the Universe evidently had different plans in mind for me.

From this experience I truly learned not to take friends for granted because sometimes you don’t realise how great something is until you lose it. On the other hand I also learned that everyone is entitled to happiness and if someone isn’t making you happy anymore, it’s okay to cut them out of your life. Everyone is loved by someone but sometimes the person you thought was good for you might just be a better fit for someone else and it wouldn’t be right to keep them when everyone would benefit from it…if you just let go.

– Chan

Fangirl

Hi Internet! So what do you think of when I say “internet friends”? Probably a bunch of geeks sitting behind computers playing games together or, if you’re not as sheltered and know about fandoms, you might imagine fangirls. I feel like being a fangirl or just the connotations that the word carries are always negative. When I looked up definitions of “fangirl”, it was associated with being ditzy, annoying, shallow; someone who has overstepped the line. This honestly really hurt because we’re not just lust-driven, crazy teenage girls. More often than not I’ll find myself trying to explain my love for One Direction, for example, to someone and how someone like me who generally prefers music more on the rock, pop punk side can still love them but not be in love (italics) with their music. But it’s not just about the group or individual people fangirl over…it’s the friends you make through it. Not only Karin but I have made some of my closest friends through the One Direction fandom. I’ve grown close to only a few but I still have so many friends that I love who I met through Twitter. I met Preeti (whose name I changed for her own privacy), Brooke, Erin and Francesco through the One Direction fandom, as well as Rachel who I met through the Harry Potter fandom.

I’m going to talk about Preeti first because she’s no longer in my life and I thought it’d be nicer if we save the happiest stories for the end. On the 18th of April this year it’ll be one year since we last spoke and it still hurts to think about her. Before that, we’d been friends for four years and she was incredible. We first “met” when I asked her to make a manip of me and Harry (Styles). For most of you the word, manip, is completely foreign but they’re Photoshopped pictures of us with our favourite celebrity. She lived in India, was about four years older than me and we went through so much together. She knew all of my friends and their personalities so it was like she was right here. I knew we were best friends but it wasn’t until she attempted to take her own life and I thought I lost her and cried for hours and hours that I really realised how much I loved her. Luckily for me, she was okay and it was the summer of 2014 when we planned to meet in India finally but that unfortunately didn’t happen. I guess it was for the best because five months later she made it clear we couldn’t be friends anymore. Uni had started for me and I was so busy that I was neglecting her and we didn’t talk as much. It was about the time that she said she wanted out that I was also losing my high school friends and I wish I didn’t remember how bad it was then but I do. I don’t really have a proper ending for you because that’s just how life is and you don’t always get a “happily ever after”.

Moving on to lighter matters now – Brooke. Next to Karin, she has been my best friend since June/July 2013. I remember our very first conversation because the boys were coming that October and she tweeted me asking if I knew what hotel the boys were staying at. I told her that we couldn’t reveal it to everyone so to text me and we haven’t left each other since then. About two years later we finally met at a One Direction concert and I was unbelievably happy. The feeling of finally being able to hold your whole world is phenomenal. Even though she’s in Year 12 this year and we’ve both been so busy that we don’t get to talk as much, it doesn’t lessen our friendship whatsoever. Yes we might have met on the Internet but I would never call her an internet friend because not only are we as good as friends as I am with any of my friends in my everyday life, internet friends are real friends too.

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– believe it or not, it wasn’t me who asked –

My other Australian friend I made was Erin. Like Brooke, she’s in Year 12 this year and so we don’t get to talk as much but she has also supported me since day one. I’ve been so blessed to be able to spend quite a few days with her which, if you have internet friends, you know is quite a rarity. One of my favourite days ever has to be meeting 3/4 of The Vamps and being able to do it with her just made it so much more special. I remember Ma and me driving over to her house at 8am, picking her up and then after being stuck in traffic for an hour, running over to the stage and watching one of our favourite bands together and then meeting them The day after, we spent together shopping and I haven’t seen her since because, although she’s been in Brisbane a few times, our timetables always clash. Despite this, our friendship remains just as strong as we continue to support each other, especially with her being one of my main supporters of this blog.

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– with 3/4 of The Vamps –

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Let’s fly over to the other side of the world now to Italy, to my dearest Francesco. Like Preeti, he’s quite a few years older but that doesn’t change our friendship or my love for him. We’ve been friends for about four years and to just think about everything we’ve been through together is unimaginable. I very clearly remember the beginning of our friendship because he tweeted me asking if I could check out a cover he did and after doing so, I messaged him and we talked for a while. I remember the moment I felt he was one of my closest friends when he told me his dad was sick. I knew now, more than ever before, that I had to stay by his side in this extremely hard time. I couldn’t begin to fathom his grief and the hardships he had to face. The morning his father passed away, a few months later, he messaged me at about 4am (this was the only time we were both awake and could talk) telling me of the news and I just sat at my desk and cried. I know I never knew his father and had never even met Francesco but it was like Francesco’s pain was radiating through my phone screen. Our friendship grew even stronger and eventually, we exchanged phone numbers and were texting nearly every day. One of my favourite memories though, has to be the night we were sending each other voice messages through iMessage and I heard his voice for the first time and really that’s just the power of the internet. Two kids from opposite sides of the world, eight hours apart became best friends. I know it still hasn’t happened but I know one day we will meet and I honestly can’t wait for that day.

My last friend I’ll be talking about is Rachel (or Rach). She’s from Singapore and we’ve definitely been friends the longest – nearly five years! Rach and I have been friends since the (italics) very beginning…since I made my Tom Felton fan account. I don’t quite remember what our first moments were together but it was something about keeping wands in your back pocket and blasting off your butt haha. Our friendship’s dynamic is quite different to anything I’ve ever had before because we’ve been each other’s lives for so long but with both of us leading quite busy lives we never really talked that much. However she’s still remained a close friend over the years. Recently we’ve been talking so much more and it makes me so happy to have her back in my life.

Each and every one of these friends as well as the countless numbers of other friends I’ve made have truly shaped me as a person and made as much of an impact as anyone in my day-to-day life. I’ve dealt with tough times, as many of them have also but knowing I can turn to them whenever I need is one of the most comforting things. After all, isn’t that what makes a friendship truly great? Knowing that we may not talk all the time but when it comes down to it, we would drop everything to help the other and be there for them?

This post hasn’t done justice to everyone else. There are so many other friends I love so much and have had in my life for years now like Bella, Georgia, Ash, Han, Lucy and Kelly but if I was to talk about each and every person I have grown to love through Twitter we would all be here for years. So if I haven’t mentioned you, don’t think you’re any less important to me because there’s space in my heart for everyone!

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Fandoms are so much more than what they appear. There’s a reason so many fangirls say that a certain band or individual has “changed their lives” or “saved their lives” because not only is it them but the friends you make along the way that changes lives. Friends are priceless and I owe One Direction and Harry Potter so much for bringing me to some of my best friends. If being a One Direction fan is something to be ashamed of then so be it because I’m proud to be one and to say I’m in the fandom because the memories I have made and continue to make are irreplaceable.

I hope that this post could bring some insight into many of your lives and I hope some of you judgemental souls will save your energy and instead of hating and laughing, educate yourselves on how a fandom could be so important to someone.

– Chan