18 and Unkissed

Hi Internet! Some of my closer friends may have read the title of this post and been very confused as to why I was writing about this because of recent events. However, I actually had this blog post planned for about three months, since I first started this blog, and I was brainstorming about things I wanted to write about. Little did I know three months ago that something I thought that wouldn’t happen for a very long time was just around the corner.

Naturally, most teenagers have their first kisses anywhere between 11 and 16 and of course there will be people outside this range but from my experience, that’s what I’ve found. And especially after graduating high school and still not having had my first kiss, I always felt on the outside of this circle of people who knew what it felt like, who in a way had experienced “teenagerhood”. It made me feel unwanted when I was feeling down because in my mind, not being kissed, translated to no one wanting to kiss me which is a bit of a stupid connection to make, I know.  There will be some of you reading this, who may know me personally, and be thinking “Oh no…she’s at it again” but I know that there are just as many people who know exactly the feeling that I’m describing. No matter how high your self-esteem is and how happy you could be, sometimes it just gets you down. And that’s okay. We are only human, after all.

It was when I was reading a tumblr post which I’ll insert at the bottom of this post that I really gained the inspiration to write this. The past few months have been tough for me, due to personal reasons, and I’ve found myself craving alone time a lot and just time to sit by myself and think. After all that thinking I realised that although most people find someone to marry and to love, not everyone does. And I’m okay with that. I’m okay with having relationships throughout my life and ultimately never getting married or starting a family, having relationships and following the traditional path of marriage and kids, or even never having a serious relationship and just being surrounded by loved ones in the form of friends and family. I don’t believe in any form of God but I do believe in something; something that carries us down the path we’re meant to follow. There’s nothing wrong in pursuing people, as people  know I have no problem doing , but I’m really trying to build that resilience in my life and basic understanding that if something doesn’t work out that obviously, it wasn’t meant to be. Just like a few months ago, I didn’t know that I would soon be kissing someone, I don’t know what my future holds. Who really knows?

This tumblr post is just one of many that I come across and really just warm my heart and then also when thinking that relationships do happen. Like, they are a thing that people experience and that concept is so weird to me because I’ve never liked a guy and have them like me back.  If it’s going to happen, I know it will happen but it’s such a lucky thing to happen, I think. There are people I know who have been lucky enough to come across that in their life and to somehow find someone they have feelings for and have that person like them back. But that’s how life works really. You never know what it’s going to throw at you or how things are going to end up. So something I have tried living by for a couple of years now is “Everything happens for a reason.” People who are meant to be in your life, will stay and if they weren’t meant to be then it just won’t work out. I’m sorry for the rambly post today but I just wanted to write a bit without too much structure and editing. I hope it was a pleasant read, nonetheless.

– Chan

A post about romantic relationships

So I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years now. And I see a lot of posts about how people think relationships mean having butterflies forever, your heart beating faster when they walk into a room, about cuddling together every night, legs intertwined, that you’d be so happy to live together you’d sleep on a double bed with each other every night.

And it’s not really like that, at least not to me.

You stop getting the butterflies when you live together. Your heart no longer speeds up when you see them, but instead, everything calms down. When you’re in the room with them, you feel calm, and secure. When you cuddle them you feel your heart beat slow, and the sound of their breathing carry you towards comfort. It doesn’t feel like a roller coaster anymore, it feels like home.

You don’t sleep curled up with each other every night, legs twisted between theirs so tight its hard to tell where yours begin and theirs end.

Instead, you sleep comfortably, side by side, sometimes facing different directions. But every night, you find yourself scooting backwards on the bed so you bump into them. You snuggle against their arm, or stroke their hair as they fall asleep. There are nights when my boyfriend, in his sleep, reaches around me and pulls me to him, like a child with his teddy bear, like I am his comfort.

In the wee hours of the morning before the dawn breaks, when the world is blue and you see through cracked eyes, you curl into their chest and inhale their scent before drifting back to sleep.

Kisses aren’t always romantic and firey anymore. But there are so much more of them now. There are cold kisses when you’re eating ice cream in the summer, and sticky kisses over breakfast pancakes. There’s “I’m leaving now” kisses, and “one more kiss before you go” kisses. There’s sleepy morning kisses before work, when you don’t remember the alarm going off but instead the press of their lips against yours is what brings you into the day.

There’s kisses before sleep, and, you are so sweet with the things you do kisses. There’s kisses because you treat animals so tenderly, and I’m so glad i’m with you and not someone else kisses. There’s quick kisses in the aisles of the grocery store, when its loud and you gravitate together, when instead of having your own personal space and their own personal space, it’s both of yours together, and you step into their chest to take up less area together.

You don’t always text each other with confessions of love and care like you used to, because that’s a given now, and you’ve moved on to quirky inside jokes about the life you’ve built together. You share looks of exasperation and amusement in public, your own little world against the outside one.

Relationships aren’t always a fairy tale. They’re not always fireworks and sparks, at least, after the start.

But they are a quiet rhythm and hum of love and care. It’s not a fire in your soul, but one in your hearth, keeping you warm and comfortable, comforting you as you drowsily drift into sleep.

And I love that.”



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