Okay so before any of you go killing me because it’s been so long since I last posted, I’m really sorry. I just haven’t had that much to write about honestly. It’s not like my life has ever been interesting or worth writing about but t least before, I had stories I wanted to share and just really let a lot of these trapped thoughts out. So even though I can’t guarantee anything after this post, I just suddenly had a urge to write. So… I thought I would just update you on what’s been going on in my life for the past 2 months!
Off the top of my head, I’ve really started using Twitter again, and for many of you that has no significance and you may be really confused as to why I’m telling you but July and August have been some of the hardest months in my past 5 years. I really fell into this pit and it just felt endless. For the first time in a couple of years, I thought I had lost myself again and I didn’t know this time if I was going to resurface or even survive. It would be the biggest lie to say that I had been suicide-thought free, because that was all I could think about. In every way I’d known myself to be negatively affected by my mental health, those manifestations of being unhappy were back and I don’t really want to give away every detail but yeah, I was just so unhappy. So I withdrew from the people I loved, as I do when I feel like that because all I can think is that, “If I make them like me less, then if I were to ever lose my ongoing battle, they wouldn’t miss me.” I know that that’s not how it works but that’s how I think and so with the withdrawing, came more loneliness which obviously wouldn’t help but I reconnected with the fangirl side of myself and found comfort in tweeting to complete strangers in the hope that I could say what I wanted without needing any validation from people. So using Twitter frequently again became my first step in trying to get better. Then, I deactivated Instagram for a while, reactivated it, but now I do not use it (ever) because I realised posting pictures purely for other people to see how oh so great my life is, was a complete lie and honestly, it felt like I was not only showing off but also seeking approval from others in the form of comments and likes. Since completely stopping my use of Instagram (secretly, I have a fan account so I can see band members’ things without the pressure of it being a “Social Media” platform), I have definitely seen the improvement. I don’t waste as long scrolling through pictures of girls I couldn’t actually care less about.
Another thing that I’ve now incorporated back into my life is Dan and Phil. Mind you, I’ve loved and watched them for about 4.5 years but I was never in the Phandom. I only watched their videos but didn’t really engage with other phans and get in on all the jokes and livestreams, etc. After missing out on getting tickets to their first The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire (TATINOF) show, and being completely devastated because I had waited so long to see them, I got tickets for the second show when it was announced and I became obsessed. I watched every single video on their gaming channel as well as rewatching so many other videos of theirs. So, that’s definitely been a huge highlight of the past month of my life. Seeing these two guys and seeing TATINOF was something I’ll never be able to forget. Despite not being allowed to take any photos or videos of the show, I immediately wrote down what I could remember of the show when I walked out so I could at least have that memory and even when I close my eyes I can still see them. They’ve been a huge source of my happiness these past few weeks and honestly, along with all the books that I’ve been reading, Dan and Phil brought me back to the surface. In addition to that, I also went to see a counsellor at Uni twice and it was really nice to just talk to a counsellor again, as the last time I went was in 2013 and I knew that I needed help. I’m really working this time to try and get better and I’m going to go to a doctor and everything and sort it out because I never want to go back to where I was in July. It terrifies me to think that right now, I could’ve been dead.
It is weird to think though in July I was simultaneously so, so happy. There was someone and things were really good between us but I guess sometimes, some people are just meant to be friends, which is okay. I’ll leave most of the details out about that because it’s still taking a bit of time to be well and truly over that. Some days, honestly, I miss him (as a friend) so much, to the point where I wish we hadn’t dated and that I had never liked him so that at least we could be really good friends still, instead of not even speaking anymore. But with that loss, came some good because Josh and I have become so much closer and he is one of my dearest friends. To think, at the beginning of the year, I had a crush on him. Little did I know that he was gay (yes, you can all laugh at me). But Josh has really been an incredible friend and just a different dynamic to my usual friendship group.
This post so far just seems incredibly messy and it really might not make any sense whatsoever but I’ve never written for the enjoyment of others, purely for my own love of writing.
This semester in general just feels really different. So many of the dynamics of my friendships have shifted and our group is closer and I’ve grown so much closer to some people and drifted away from others but I know that’s just what happens sometimes and as my counsellor said, “bob along with the waves instead of letting them pin you down and drown you.” So that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the past few weeks and it’s working!
P.S. Looking at this post now, it looks like I’ve just spewed out words (which I have) but, provided I have midsem break coming up and that I also feel the motivation to, I really want to expand on a few of the things I mentioned in this post and definitely do a post about TATINOF.